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I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.