CUTE CAT‼︎
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I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Breaking news:
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower