CUTE CAT‼︎
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oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers