CUTE CAT‼︎
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..