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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in