I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
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how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
This is always good for a laugh.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it