Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.