Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
That lamp looks PISSED.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.