Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Miss 11 returns home from school. This is what she does – in order of preference:
1 – Goes to see her bedroom that we changed around yesterday.
2 – Says hello to the cat.
3 – Says oh hello to me after I remind her of my existence.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012