Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.