cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
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Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.