Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

FRED: right

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Succinctly put.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.