Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover