CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
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High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.