Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

🐥🐣

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.