Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Thanks to a fan for this one!

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]