Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

respect

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Fight

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

I only eat vegetarians.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.