cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*