Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime