I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.