Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

I’m about to risk it all

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.