Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

😂😂

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me