CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
According to math, I’m broke
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
