Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine