Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

adding to the discourse

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.