Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face