Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Swedish for common sense.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!