[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
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Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
