Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

what?

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT