Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you