Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

Match dot com, but for socks.

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you