Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

…

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*