Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

I missed you with all my darts

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes