Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.