Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?