Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.