Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait a minute….

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

🙀🙀🙀😹

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him