Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Lmfaoooooo
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.