Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

I like long walks away from everyone

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.