Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. đ
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[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I canât believe no one is eating these lol
Woke up thinking Iâd look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My 11yo said if it wasnât for him I wouldnât have a twitter account, and Iâm just glad heâs finally taking some responsibility.
Co-workerâs hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: âWhich one is the dog?â
Kongâs very sensitive.
Todayâs assignment:
If anyone asks you what youâre doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying âWhat have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???â
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: âŚSay that again.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in âHoney, I Shrunk The Kidsâ.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where weâre at, people.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Her: Iâm not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
If a really late person marries a really early person theyâll produce an on time child. In theory.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically weâre always minutes away from everything, weâre minutes away from death right now
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
Itâs less hassel that way.
I donât understand why this loan manager wonât get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
when itâs raining and someone texts you âare we still on for tonight?â and you say âoh, im fine either way, up to you! itâs raining lolâ and then they text âokay see you tonightâ
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: Youâll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: Thatâs one!
Him *screams*
Her: Thatâs two!
wife: Whereâs the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
âOh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isnât a bird, but Iâve done my own researchâŚâ