Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
me 2 months after i graduated
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.