Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

The Friday File.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.