Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

This is hilarious

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*