Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
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My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My neck, my back, my…
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
ok this is my dumbest yet
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
giddy up Office Depot
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will