Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
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Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
The prophecy is fulfilled
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.