@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

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@G_Faylor

i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt

@WritePlay

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

@RodLacroix

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

@krisv_723

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

@TheAlexNevil

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

@itsWillyFerrell

My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.

@Joshsweat52

Rihanna: You can stand under my umbrella

CDC: No don’t do that. Stand six feet away.

Rihanna: Under my umbrella

CDC: Correct. Don’t stand there.

Rihanna: Ella ella eh eh eh

CDC: Ok wtf is even happening rn

@MarfSalvador

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

@ghinapalestina

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?