customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table
me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables
boss: can i talk to you for a sec
me: what’s up
boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
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[ phone call ]
Wife: You want the white 7″ or the black 9″.
Me: The black 9″.
..and if she wasn’t tablet shopping this would be awkward.
Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat’s name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat’s name was Greg.
Found this in my kids room
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.