i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
You Might Also Like
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.
Rihanna: You can stand under my umbrella
CDC: No don’t do that. Stand six feet away.
Rihanna: Under my umbrella
CDC: Correct. Don’t stand there.
Rihanna: Ella ella eh eh eh
CDC: Ok wtf is even happening rn
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?