@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

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@Dustinkcouch

customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer

@Shot_Of_Cabo

[ phone call ]

Wife: You want the white 7″ or the black 9″.

Me: The black 9″.

..and if she wasn’t tablet shopping this would be awkward.

@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.

@goldengateblond

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

@tracietom

My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat’s name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat’s name was Greg.

@stephenfry

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

@bIondiewasabi

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

@koalaslament

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.