@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

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@simoncholland

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

@pro_worrier_

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

@Contwixt

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

@roxiqt

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

@MarfSalvador

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@Smooheed

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

@ChaseMit

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

@AndyAsAdjective

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya