Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

Breaking news:

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]