@teenpuke

*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*

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@sonictyrant

English gangsters be like “Listen here my darling little G this delightful nook of absolute heaven is our area of residence and there’s simply no place for someone who was clearly born out off wedlock, …do you comprehend me my G”

@RickAaron

My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.

Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

@dumbbeezie

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

@runawaycupcake

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

@sarah1mc

I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.

@PeterKlesken

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

@sarcastictroler

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

@mrjohndarby

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel