A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.
I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
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You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.
I made a graph that describes every human relationship I’ve had
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”