@teenpuke

*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*

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@Douchekevin

A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice

@bacon_gillepic

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@Lisabug74

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

@ehdannyboy

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

@KKAlThani

Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.