@teenpuke

*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*

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@Laser_Cat

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

@Aikiwomannc

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

@NoticablyBacon

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

@BobScottCPA

Does anyone on here know how to “unhook” Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??

@squirrel74wkgn

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

@TheAndrewNadeau

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

@WetzelGeek

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

@rebrafsim

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

@Ivsy01

Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…

What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.