Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
me linking you to my twitter
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza