Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
he chose this
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?