Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
🙄😏😂🤣
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.