“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves