Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

how high up are we talkin’?

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger