Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Botany good plants lately?

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that