Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

Ah..makes sense now

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up