Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow