Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax