Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
🤣
