Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry