Cutest fight ever.. 😊
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Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
#Caturday
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..