Cutest fight ever.. 😊
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys