Cutest fight ever.. 😊
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My five year plan is a meteorite
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day