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My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Just organising my finances.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
2022 be like
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.