Cutest fight ever.. 😊
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative