Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
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I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.