Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
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Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.