Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
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*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
When he asks for feet pics
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Going to church you guys need anything
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.