cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
