cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.