cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” đ
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
This should not be this funny I am sorryđđđ
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, Iâm in a morgue, scratch that
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I wish kidâs socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said âand this dinosaur was called pterodactylâ and Iâm thinking âcalled by who, there was nobody thereâ
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
One minute youâre 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next youâre ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Itâs been a few days now but Iâm still thinking about this
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
