cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
