cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Sounds like a real hoot.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
