Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Great Canadian literature.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*