Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

He died doing what he loved: being alive

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by