*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
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Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Still my favourite meme.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Monday?
No. Next question.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
in the ocean
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’